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butterfly_bride
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HELP! Choosing Bridesmaids!!

Fri Apr 17, 2009 11:28 am

Hi All,

I am having much difficulty finalising my Bridal Party.
FH & I are still deciding between 2 or 3 on each side, however the main dilemma i have is that i wasn't planning to have my sister as a bridesmaid.
I know some people are shocked when i tell them, as most of the time the bride will have her sister/s if she has any.
However in my situation my sister & i aren't that close and never really have been. We do get along, but just don't seem to have much in common. We look different, think different, like different things ect. Although, i have decided as my MOH i am having my cousin, who i am very close to and she is like a best friend to me. This makes my situation hard, because i'm having another family member and not my sister.
Anyway - It gets worse..
My sister already thinks that she is going to be my bridesmaid. She was telling my future sister-in-law at our engagement party AND worst yet - My Mum expects me to have her as well.
Everyone has just told me to go with who i actually want there by my side on the day, who i can rely on and who me & FH will enjoy being with on the day.
Deep down i feel bad that i don't want to have her, but i think i should go with the people who i want to have even if it will cause some upset.

If i could have everyone i would - But just because someone doesn't get picked (ie. my sister) it doesn't mean that the others are more important to me, and i hope that people will understand that!

I also don't know how i would break the news because i know there will be disappointment. I don't think it's fair for anyone to have their expectations of my wedding, and if they didn't have the expectations then they wouldn't be let down if things don't go their way either!

Please help anyone who has advise!!!!
 
frazzeled81
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Re: HELP! Choosing Bridesmaids!!

Fri Apr 17, 2009 11:58 am

Butterfly_bride - I understand and empathise with you entirely. I was in the same situation several months ago. My younger sister is two years younger - and we couldn't be further apart. She looks about 18 when she is 25, she's tiny, a bit immature, and we have never at all been close. Yet my family expected her to be in my bridal party - where I would have preferred to have my little brother than her. I battled too - with feeling bad that I didn't want her in the bridal party. She can be a bit 'unstable' I guess, and I just didn't want the extra stress. My mum really wanted her to be involved, and explained that it would mean alot to my sister. So eventually I asked her - because I felt it was the right thing to do. I was surprised when she said that she would have to think about it - but glad that she took the time to consider what was involved. So she took a few weeks and told me she would. So I have to say I am kind of relieved that it is working out well, and it has sort of made us a bit closer too - which was the last thing I expected. She has been very supportive, and accomodating of requirements for dress fitting etc, so I just hope she can handle the day. Other wise I will lock her in a storage cupboard or something at the reception.. :wink:

Its a tough call - but go with what you want - It's your day. I know I sound a bit hypocritical here - as I went with what I thought was the right thing to do - but it has worked out for me. Good luck with your decision.
 
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AugustB2B
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Re: HELP! Choosing Bridesmaids!!

Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:08 pm

butterfly_bride wrote:
If i could have everyone i would - But just because someone doesn't get picked (ie. my sister) it doesn't mean that the others are more important to me, and i hope that people will understand that!


I'm not sure people will understand that. We generally choose the people who are the most important to us to be in our bridal party. I'm not saying you have to have your sister if it's not right for you but I think that you should probably expect some people to be a bit surprised. I have always seen the bridal party as people who a singled out for special acknowledgment of their importance to the couple IYKWIM This is one of the reasons I have chosen to have no-one, because I couldn't single one person out for special treatment. I'm sorry, this isn't much help with your dilemma and I don't, in any way, mean to make you feel bad. This is just my interpretation of the meaning of the roles.
 
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kristal
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Re: HELP! Choosing Bridesmaids!!

Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:22 pm

Hmmm...tricky one! Before you definately decide your bridal party - could you have an honest talk with her and just explain there are so many people you would like to have and it is proving difficult to have everyone so would she mind doing a reading or a speech at the wedding instead? If she narks up at that idea - then I guess you are at square one - you can either put your foot down and say it is that or nothing, or you could keep the piece at have her.

I didn't have my SIL and my DH didn't have my brother either - both of them said readings at the ceremony. Both of them understood how hard it was and both agreed it was better that they got to hang around family on the day instead of concentrating on "duties". Maybe even bring that one into play?

I guess you just need to figure out whether to go with your gut feel and deal with the consequences of their reactions or keep the peace and have her.
 
kathya
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Re: HELP! Choosing Bridesmaids!!

Fri Apr 17, 2009 2:45 pm

I say do what you want to do and who you will have the most fun with on the day. When we were getting married everybody thought i'd have my younger cousin as a bridesmaid. Well I didn't not because we're not close or anything just because I wanted my friends there with me the people that have supported me for most of my life. Been there through everything with me. To this day my mum still has a problem with the decision I made and will forever hold grudges with my friends because I chose them over my cousin. If you can put up with people that may treat you like that then do what you want just stay strong.
 
MrsKo2b

Re: HELP! Choosing Bridesmaids!!

Fri Apr 17, 2009 3:33 pm

I was in the exact situation when I was married not so long ago. I ended up picking my younger sister above anybody else because I felt that was somehow expected of me. So with my younger sister being my BM & my cousin being my jnr BM.... they didn't do much to help me. My younger sister is pretty much has that attitude of anti-marriage & my cousin was at the age where it doesn't seem cool to smile in photos... it's funny how quick girls grow up from a smiling young girl to a moody pre-teen. I think it was partly my fault for not telling them what to do as BMs.

Driving to the ceremony, my dad gave them a prep talk about the only thing he expects them to do as BMs is to hold my dress when I need help. They did not touch me at all or smile in photos. Most of the photos with them show that we are going to a funeral. The fact that I spent money on making my jnr BM dress, spent money on their hair & make up, the least they could of done was smile. After the ceremony my jnr BM went home with her parents & didn't hang around for the professional shots even though I told her to stay.

The most important thing is to pick BMs that is willing to help you, that is willing to anticipate your needs before you think of them, that shows a genuine intersest of being BM etc. I realised I should of picked my other cousin to be BM but that would of taken her away from taking photos... I supposed it's worked out well.

I've had friends who had their sisters as BMs & their wedding worked out perfectly... some of us just don't have the right kind of family members.

My advice is pick who you want or don't pick anyone at all! The last thing you want is having that regret of picking the wrong person for the job...
 
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Elizabethan
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Re: HELP! Choosing Bridesmaids!!

Fri Apr 17, 2009 4:19 pm

Butterflybride, I was in the exact same situation, I could have written that post!

My sister and I have grown into totally different people over the years, with absolutely nothing in common, and I um'd and ah'd about asker her for months, because even though we are polar opposites, and she can be really difficult at times we are still sisters and like you said, deep down I would feel bad not asking her, and you should have seen how happy she was when I asked her!

Ultimately it is up to you how you choose, and I hope you make the decision that is right for you.
 
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butterfly_bride
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Re: HELP! Choosing Bridesmaids!!

Fri Apr 17, 2009 11:24 pm

Thx for the replies!

It is just so hard! I think about it all the time, and just don't seem to be getting anywhere..
I guess because there are already those expectation from Mum & my sister it makes it harder on me. I think i could of already made a decision if i didn't know any better.
We just aren't that close, and she can be immature & annoying at times, but she is my family, and friends can come and go!!

FSIL is also getting married in a few months & she asked me to be her BM. So, i feel bad that i can not have everyone! But hey - I don't think i could ever have my FSIL and not my own sister, that would just dig a hole even deeper for me! Lol
I'm 2 yrs younger then my sister - And the first to be married. My sister just also asked me to be the God Mother to her son, which i accepted. That has made my decision harder again!! Lol

FH does not really get along with my sister either, and he has told me that he doesn't think i should have her. If i picked her i don't think he would be too impressed, but it is my decision in the end!

In the end it just makes it so dificult when it comes to Family. It's funny when i've heard people i know talking about their weddings, and there always seems to be some kind of family dilemma in there! Lol

I guess i am just trying to delay the decision as long as possible, so i can see how things pan out by then. But it's getting to the stage now that i need to start looking for BM Dresses! Hmmm..... :?
 
T_mara
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Re: HELP! Choosing Bridesmaids!!

Sat Apr 18, 2009 9:17 am

Butteflybride, I know exactly how you feel. When I picked bridesmaids I didn't pick my sister, she is about 6 years younger than me and can be rather immature and doesn't have a lot of money which unfortunately for my other bridesmaids would have meant they were out of pocket (for little things like hen's etc, she is only 18) plus, my mum doesn't have a lot of money so she couldn't help her out for the dress etc (our Bridal Party are buying their own outfits). But EVERYONE assumed I was going to have her.

Sorry, to the point, I had a chat with her and explained there were expensive and large duties involved as part of a wedding and I didn't feel she was the right person to help me as a BM but that I'd like to involve her in other parts of the day. She was very upset at first, so was my mum and my nan but I think now (6 months on!) they've realised that I've made the right decision. So she'll be getting ready with me on the day and coming in the car with my Dad and I to the ceremony as well as doing a reading. (by the way, my sister is in Perth and I'm in brisbane so it makes it more difficult)

So, don't feel pressured to have her. It may upset her at first but I'm sure if you explain that you only want one BM (as I got that impression from your post?) and you'd like that to be your cousin but you'd like your sister to be involved in other ways then I'm sure she'll be okay. I always said to my family 'FH and I have to fit 5 seperate siblings into our wedding and being involved so we can't have everyone in the bridal party and we need to make sure everyone is involved equally' and that seemed to stop people getting narky. (FH has two sisters who I adore, but there is no way I could have them as my BM if I wasn't having my sister!!)

Anyway, sorry for the long post I just wanted to give you my perspective.

Cheers! :roll:
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