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minerva
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Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 6:46 pm

I have a "friend" issue, well, a couple of them actually.

I invited some friends to my engagement that I really don't want at my wedding. The thing is, I did until the night of my engagement.

The 1st friend arrived on time, dressed well and seemed really happy for me and enjoyed herself with her partner I cannot stand, however she did not show up with as much as a card. Nothing at all.

The 2nd friend, arrived 1 hour and 15 minutes later than the the starting time at the function...and to make matters worse, I specified it would be formal, and she wore low cut jeans, a 3/4 top which showed off her entire midriff section and her "just above the a$$" tattoo was visible for all to see. She looked like a hooker. I was so embarrassed!

The 3rd friend, arrived 1 hour and 45 minutes later than the starting time, in casual dress, with her bogan boyfriend who I also cannot stand. Arrived empty handed also.

Now, I know some people cannot afford to give much as gifts and gifts should not be expected, but I thought it was just common decency to rock up with someone. At least my near-naked friend gave me a bottle of perfume and a card.

My issue is, I am going to be spending well over $120 per head on my wedding, and to have them roll up not only late, but empty handed to my engagement, to me is not a good sign of things to come.

It really bothers me that I have received birthday gifts from these people, but when I invited them to my engagement party at a reception centre and told them all it was formal and there would be sit down meals, none of them put any thought for me in there regarding both their dress and a nice thoughtful gift. Even some nice flowers and a cheap vase would have been a nice cheap thought, but nothing.

A few other friends I have talked to about it agree with me, in that they didn't show me enough respect to rock up at the engagement party on time and with as much as a card, so why should I spend so much money on them and their other halves who I don't want coming anyway?


Thoughts? Suggestions?
 
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SmallNads
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Re: Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:02 pm

At the end of the day if you don't want them there, then don't invite them. You shouldn't have to justify the reasons to anyone.
 
minerva
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Re: Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:05 pm

How do you tell people who think they are invited that they are not?

They will certainly get the hint when they don't get an invite, but if they ask, and I know that at least 2 of the 3 will ask, I will have to tell them something. At the end of the day, it is all about who I want there. I guess I could tell them it is family only... but I know that will backfire.
 
Tarsha
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Re: Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:07 pm

I dont think you should not invite them based on the presents you didnt get from them...Turning up a little late I can understand, but dont dressing to acceptable standards is just a complete disregard of your requirements, and too me it says they dont respect you or have any regard for the occassion so based on that I'd cross them off the list. Agreed though, you shouldnt feel you need to justify yourself to anyone - if you dont want them, dont have them. You obviously wouldnt treat them the way they treat you so I'd be questioning if their friendship was worth your $120.
 
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cin
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Re: Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:16 pm

Tarsha wrote:
I dont think you should not invite them based on the presents you didnt get from them...Turning up a little late I can understand, but dont dressing to acceptable standards is just a complete disregard of your requirements, and too me it says they dont respect you or have any regard for the occassion so based on that I'd cross them off the list. Agreed though, you shouldnt feel you need to justify yourself to anyone - if you dont want them, dont have them. You obviously wouldnt treat them the way they treat you so I'd be questioning if their friendship was worth your $120.


^^^^ Areeded totally! I think honestly turning up that late and dressing like that is extremely rude! You could easily say that you numbers are limited would that work?
 
Tarsha
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Re: Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:29 pm

We've gone as far as to tell people that we're not having a recpetion at all......though we are. We're getting married in a garden, so invited them to the ceremony, but have not made provisions for them at the reception. Theyre just not good enough of a friend that we felt we had to invite them to the reception, but still friends who we'd love to share our exchanging of vows moment with.
 
minerva
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Re: Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:36 pm

Good point there.

My numbers are limited to 70. I would love for this number to be lower, but it is the minimum for the reception place. :(

Thanks for your advice girls. You're right. I don't need to justify it to anyone...I just know I will have to soon.
 
minerva
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Re: Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 7:37 pm

Tarsha wrote:
We've gone as far as to tell people that we're not having a recpetion at all......though we are. We're getting married in a garden, so invited them to the ceremony, but have not made provisions for them at the reception. Theyre just not good enough of a friend that we felt we had to invite them to the reception, but still friends who we'd love to share our exchanging of vows moment with.


That worked???

That's genius! Very funny :)

How did you invite them to the ceremony without inviting them to the reception??
 
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Re: Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 8:41 pm

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Last edited by Nikkie on Mon Feb 07, 2011 7:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
 
indi
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Re: Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 9:55 pm

It seems you are more upset they didn't buy you a present than anything else.

Presents for an engagement party should not be expected.
 
drinkyoupretty
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Re: Am I being petty?

Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:06 pm

TBH, I think expecting presents at an engagement party is a bit farfetched, although getting upset about guests dressed inappropriately is highly understandable.

Like the others have said, it really sounds like you don't want them there, and if that's true, then don't invite them. Because if you do invite them, it is going to be very awkward on the day and you don't need that!

I would blame it on the limited numbers at reception venue!
 
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almostthere
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Re: Am I being petty?

Tue Jan 11, 2011 1:35 am

Are these people notorious for being late? I have plenty of friends like that, which doesn't excuse it, particularly on an important occasion, or make it any less annoying, but there are just some people who cannot seem to get themselves organised on time! The dress standards however - that particular number sounds unacceptable and not excusable (midriff and jeans vs formal? No comparison). In saying that, we had 'semi-formal' on our wedding invitations but knew that there would be 2 guys who were husband/partner of my very good friends, who were always going to wear jeans because that's just who they are. I wasn't going to not invite my close girlfriends just because their men are slackers. So the question is, is it going to ruin your day if a couple of people can't quite get the dress standards right? Seriously, having been there, the last thing you'll really give a toss about is whether someone has worn jeans instead of nice pants. It's definitely not a reflection on you and nobody will think so. :P
 
minerva
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Re: Am I being petty?

Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:51 am

almostthere wrote:
Are these people notorious for being late? I have plenty of friends like that, which doesn't excuse it, particularly on an important occasion, or make it any less annoying, but there are just some people who cannot seem to get themselves organised on time! The dress standards however - that particular number sounds unacceptable and not excusable (midriff and jeans vs formal? No comparison). In saying that, we had 'semi-formal' on our wedding invitations but knew that there would be 2 guys who were husband/partner of my very good friends, who were always going to wear jeans because that's just who they are. I wasn't going to not invite my close girlfriends just because their men are slackers. So the question is, is it going to ruin your day if a couple of people can't quite get the dress standards right? Seriously, having been there, the last thing you'll really give a toss about is whether someone has worn jeans instead of nice pants. It's definitely not a reflection on you and nobody will think so. :P


I guess when it comes down to it, I don't want them there any more. I know they think they are invited, and I am somehow going to have to make it clear very soon that the wedding will only be a small family thing with limited close friends.
 
Cuddly84
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Re: Am I being petty?

Wed Jan 12, 2011 10:27 pm

Just be honest and come out with it. Im the sort of person to do this yet im a total ***** so i say what i mean.
But yer theres only one thing u can do and that is just being honest there is no use beating it around the bush and trying to find excuses.

Just say sory but we cant afford to have everyone at our reception and ur fine to attend the ceremony but sadly we cant accomodate some people for the reception if u cant make it to the ceremony we will understand and leave it at that if they want to have a tantrum let them they should abide by ur wishes.
 
lexyles
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Re: Am I being petty?

Thu Jan 13, 2011 10:05 am

Newbie here, but this subject hits home ....

I had a fantastic time at our engagement party, however FH's brothers partner failed to show up. They have been together for 9 years and just got engaged the other day. She knew about this party 6 weeks or so before hand and happened to get a call from her boss (she is casual) and got asked to work that night and said YES! I was shocked. What's worse is 'brother-in-law' was sick and had to have the 2 kids with him and couldnt enjoy himself. Plus he is in our wedding. I was sooo mad and disappointed to say the least. Its difficult when its friends as you dont have to invite them, but worse if its family.
 
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Eilonwy
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Re: Am I being petty?

Fri Mar 04, 2011 11:31 am

At the engagement parties I've been to, presents have been expected. I wouldn't even think about not bringing a present. However, not everyone knows the rules of engagement parties and weddings, I certainly knew absolutely nothing about weddings until a couple of years ago. It sounds like you just really didn't like these people that much to begin with, they don't sound like they are that close to you, I don't think you should have to invite people to your wedding that are going to make you feel uncomfortable on the day. Certainly don't feel bad about not inviting them. If they question you about how they were not invited, you'll just have to tell them that you needed to keep the numbers down, that you had to cut corners somewhere, and that you're sorry (even if you're not). If they don't take it very well, well then it is pretty obvious that they don't care about you, and that you made the right decision. I have a very good old friend who I know won't be inviting me to her wedding, and I'll be doing the same, and I am absolutely certain it's not because she isn't a good friend, it's because she wants to save money. We will probably catch up again after our weddings, and admit it to each other!

In as far as what guests to invite, and who to include in your bridal party and all that, I've found that following your heart and being truthful about your decisions works out for the best :) just don't over-explain your decisions to people (in person - over-explain all you like here!).
 
Bride Bec
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Re: Am I being petty?

Fri Mar 04, 2011 11:59 am

indi wrote:
It seems you are more upset they didn't buy you a present than anything else.

Presents for an engagement party should not be expected.


You're right they shouldnt be expected but I think it is highly rude not to give anything not even a card. It is the thought that counts but obviously there was no thought to a gift, wardrobe or the time of the event.

If you dont want some people there, dont invite them you dont need to tell then they are not invited. Not receiving an invitation is a pretty good indication.
 
minerva
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Re: Am I being petty?

Sun Mar 06, 2011 5:26 pm

Bride Bec wrote:
indi wrote:
It seems you are more upset they didn't buy you a present than anything else.

Presents for an engagement party should not be expected.


You're right they shouldnt be expected but I think it is highly rude not to give anything not even a card. It is the thought that counts but obviously there was no thought to a gift, wardrobe or the time of the event.

If you dont want some people there, dont invite them you dont need to tell then they are not invited. Not receiving an invitation is a pretty good indication.



So the friend asked me about the the wedding was going, and I thought it was a good opening to mention that due to costs, I am only having family and a small group of close friends at the wedding. This isn't a lie either. It will be a small wedding, and I did need to prune, the thing is, and this makes me realise that I was right all along by deciding I didn't want her there... she didn't respond to my message at all. It was a Facebook PM as she is in another Country. If she was a real friend, she would be understanding and not care about not coming to the reception. I told her that she will be more than welcome at the ceremony, but I doubt she will even come to that.

Bottom line. Always go with your gut. She didn't give so much as a card because she was being thoughtless, and she didn't respond when I told her (very tactfully and well worded as to not offend) that she would not be coming to the reception because it was more important for her to get a wedding invite.

I don't understand people sometimes...
 
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BubS
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Re: Am I being petty?

Sun Mar 06, 2011 5:41 pm

I agree with others regarding engagement gifts. TBH, expecting a gift is a little inappropriate. I'll be thrilled if we get any gifts at our engagement party, but we certainly won't hold it against anyone who doesn't cough up.

However, if you are concerned about them turning up late to your wedding and being dressed inappropriately (and lets face it, you'll be watching) then its probably not worth inviting them. Doesn't sound like you'll miss them much anyway ?
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