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can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 4:13 pm
by sharon
We're just sorting out our invite list and are limited to 100 people for the reception venue.

we both have big families therefore only can invite limited friends.

when i saw that o/h had put a friends new girlfriend on the list I immediately wasn't happy about it, but he reckons we have to invite her. Neither of us really knows her and when she never comes to any of the events we put on. they've been together for a few months and i just think that inviting her is sacrificing a place for someone we actually know and really want there. I suppose my vision was to be surrounded by friends and family who we know and want to spend the day with and not feel obliged to invite someones plus 1.... One of my friends has recently gotten a boyfriend whom i am yet to meet, so unfortunately he will not be invited either as the guest list on my part is pretty solidly finalised. Its not that I wouldn't like to invite everyone, but we are very limited and due to big families and lots of friends there just doesn't seem to be quite enough room to accommodate everyone as it is and a lot of friends will already not make the list.

am i being unreasonable???

Should we just invite her and cross someone else off the list?

Re: can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 4:23 pm
by alycebride
Eitquette seems to say that you have to invite friends significant others but not casual flings. I think it depends on how long they've been dating but also on what your friend is like. Would they be terribly offended if you dont invite her and does your friend have other people that they know there that they could hang out with instead? Its a hard call to make!

Re: can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 4:33 pm
by sharon
they've been together a few months, they're still in the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship, so not a casual fling, but not a long term partner either.

The friend is friends with all of our other friends, so he will definatley not be alone.

It's hard, be easier if they weren't an official item now, but i still would prefer not to have to sacrifice a friend for someone we know very little.

Re: can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 4:34 pm
by Sweetpez
I had this problem too, so what I did was I told them out right that they where not invited and how bad I felt about it , (then I smudged the truth a bit and said) that we already had the guest list written when we booked the venue and I did not know them then, but if they were not offended and people dropped out, I would love them to take their place as I hope that we will get to know each other further in the future and become friends. Then when people R.S.V.Ped no, I am ringing these plus 1's one by one and going guess what so and so can not come, so I would love it if you could take there place.

Re: can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 4:40 pm
by sharon
that's a good idea Sweet Pez,

i kinda thought of that... It will chat to other half and see what he thinks, but I think the thought of not being able to invite important people in his life has prob made him realise that this is not the same as our engagement party where we could invite whoever we wanted!! (was so much easier)

I'm also prob going to have to give up a few of my places (we split it 50/50 for ppl to invite) to my o/h as his mum insists he invites some cousins that are around his age. (this also means about 4 of my girlfriends who are not close close, but people i enjoy spending time with will not be able to come :( )

Re: can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 9:19 pm
by sugarb_91
This is always a tough one. While manners say that you should invite her, its not realistic considering you are very limited in the amount of people u can invite.

We had a similar situation - one of our friends had started going out with a new bf and they had been together for a couple of months. We had never actually met him properly either, plus our guest list was already too large and we were over budget. We sat our friend down and explained that as much as we wished we could invite him, it wasn't really possible (and explained why). To be honest, she was a little put put.... but there wasn't much we could do unfortunately.

Its a hard call, but its impossible to invite everyone when u have both budget and number constraints!

Re: can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 9:28 pm
by coco2003
All guests over 18 got a plus one to my wedding. In years gone past I hated the constant single invites to weddings regardless of whether I was seeing someone or not, and then I'd get "Aww are you here by yourself?" ALL FRICKEN NIGHT. There was NO WAY I was ever going to put anyone in that position (be they male or female, attached or single) at my own wedding. If they preferred to come as a single no worries, but they had the choice. I would always have been more than happy to pay for a plus one, but was never given the option.

For your own situation I think you should call the guest concerned and explain the limit on numbers and say that regretfully you don't have room for his partner. I wouldn't just send a single invite out of the blue.

Re: can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2011 11:28 am
by Ellejezz
My rule is - If I havent met them before and my FH hasnt met them before they are not invited. Its nothing against the new gf/bf or whatever. My friend asked if he was invited and I said yes but I cannot invite his gf due to budget constraints and because we hadnt met her before- he was absolutley fine with it.
To be honest my partner is working away for very long periods of time to pay for this wedding- along time away from me- I am NOT wasting this money on a stranger....

My only exception will be FH cousin- he has been togther with his GF for well over a year

Re: can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2011 11:38 am
by nutty2b
We had this issue too with one of FH's friends who everyone was placing bets on how long they'd stay together... we didn't invite her BF... they actually broke up. We sent the invite out with just her, and recently she wrote on FH's FB "BF and I back together in case you didn't know"... pity we only met the guy once, and my rule was we needed to know them well. We haven't invited the relatively new-ish boyfriend of my oldest friend because a) we've never met him and b) at the time the invites went out they were just getting together.

I don't think you're obliged to invite someone you don't know well. I always think of that episode of How I Met Your Mother, where Ted brings a random girl to Lily's birthday and they argue about whether she should be in the group photo and Ted reminds Lily that he included her in the first "college roommate photo" of Ted and Marshall and that they lasted. It makes me feel a little guilty, but I'm spending a lot of money on our family and our friends, not their random maybe we'll still be together in a month partners. IYKWIM... I think you need to draw a line. And no you are not being selfish. If you had to cull the list, who would go first... the new girlfriend who you don't know very well as opposed to a cousin or other relative? Or a friend?

Re: can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2011 3:19 pm
by sharmy
Just on that i agree with everything you all say but my now husband invited me to his brothers wedding only after being with him 6 months and just starting to move things in and now im his wife - hard call to make. At the time i was in arms as to go or not as i wouldnt know many or anything. You may find if you put and friend she may not go for the same reason she wont know anyone and if the guy is in the bridal party she wouldnt go i dont think. A friend of mine said from day dot to all of us you know how massive my family is i am going to have to invite just you guys and it was up to the ones already married at the time whether they went or not. Put it in their court i think. She may not go or she could end up one of your life long friends like in my situation

Re: can you not invite a friends g/f?

Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2011 7:05 pm
by heartstringz
That's a tough one. I had a similar situation where I didn't put 'plus 1' on the invites, and yet my cousins still decided that they were going to bring their boyfriends (who me & DH had never met) without asking. Caused an enormous row when we said no, and in the end we had to relent and allow them to come.

I personally don't think you have to invite the girlfriend, but it's worth considering whether it's going to cause problems and whether you want that whilst trying to plan your wedding.

Good luck!