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LunaNoona
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Should we keep it a secret?

Sun Aug 05, 2012 6:01 pm

I'm a regular on here, but thought I'd post under a pseudonym just in case.

I need some advice. Here's a bit of backstory: My DH and I were married at a registry office almost five years ago when I was still a teenager and he was only just not. None of our family know about this and only some of our friends do. Since then, we've become 'engaged' (I still got a proposal and a ring :) ), and are now planning a wedding for next year which we couldn't be happier about. I'm so excited to have family and friends all together and celebrating our relationship -- and we also get to have a wedding!

We met and booked a celebrant recently who is totally fine with our situation and will just not be able to say certain legal aspects of the ceremony, apparently we're not the first to have done this. However, she also suggested that we could come up with a way to tell everyone during the ceremony that we are already married. We hadn't ever considered this before, but now that I'm thinking more about it, it might be nice to have everyone know and not be concerned that they will 'find out' somehow and be upset. I do have a bunch of issues though that I would love your thoughts on:

1. How would you word it? Our celebrant suggested telling it as a story?
2. Would you tell those closest to you beforehand so that they weren't upset at finding out at the same time as everybody else?
3. I would hate it if the whole day we were harassed with, "why didn't you tell me?", "why did you get married before?", "why did you bother having another wedding?".
4. Would also hate it if people got genuinely upset about it all. I would hope that no one would get angry as they are at our wedding and are able to celebrate with us anyway.
5. Should we even do this? Are we crazy for thinking that this could possibly be a good idea?

Sorry for the long post, we have plenty of time to think about it, just after some anonymous feedback :) TIA!
 
Cherrytree
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Sun Aug 05, 2012 6:44 pm

There is no real need to put it out there, it will only cause hurt feelings and uncomfortable questions; you may even have nasty things said like what's the point of being at the wedding;I'd keep it private, just a little somthing for the two of you. A nice story to tell your kids in the future :wink:
 
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Lanta Bride
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Sun Aug 05, 2012 6:54 pm

Part of me thinks that I would probably keep it to myself still. You have kept it a secret for all this time already!

What happens re signing a certificate or the way things are worded etc? Some of your guests might be a bit cluey and pick up on the lack of these things and then you might have to answer questions...

It's a hard one
 
Miss_ngu
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Sun Aug 05, 2012 7:21 pm

I would probably keep it as a secret too, even with family and friends, they dont need to know everything about you and fh, if you dont want to.
 
amyk33
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Sun Aug 05, 2012 8:09 pm

my friend signed her marriage certificate and got married a week before her actual wedding as she wanted it to be a quiet moment just for them and their 2 witnesses. She still said vows on her big day and had the ceremony but just explained to those who asked that she had decided to take care of that aspect a little ahead of time, and no body seemed offended. Maybe just dont say how ahead of time you were :)
 
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Sun Aug 05, 2012 10:23 pm

I would personally keep it a secret. If it's something that will eat away at you, then by all means tell people.. but definitely don't "spill" on the actual wedding day!! As you mentioned, it would just be uncomfortable with hurt feelings and a lot of questions
 
adrienne
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Sun Aug 05, 2012 10:58 pm

I told my other half about this post and we both agreed that we would keep it a secret. You've already kept it for 5 years, whats another 65 years? haha. Just out of curiosity, is it the same date 5 years ago that you will be getting married on?

I personally think it would get too icky and messy if people find out and it would totally ruin your day with the possible bickering if anyone has a problem with it. Especially grand parents or older generations i could see ruining your day over it. I know my grandmother would be horrified and just cause a massive fuss and ruin everything.

Have a great time and keep it your little secret. If it comes out after the wedding day ( as in a year or so down the track), it wouldnt be as big a fuss and people are more likely to get over it after the fact. The risk is just too high for other people dampening your day. Just enjoy it :)
Last edited by adrienne on Mon Aug 06, 2012 12:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
 
button30
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Sun Aug 05, 2012 11:09 pm

I would say be extremely careful as this is fraught with danger I have an acquaintance who did almost exactly this and to this day a lot of his family and most of his wife's family still wont speak to them
 
bronzestar
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Mon Aug 06, 2012 10:29 am

Personally, I wouldn't be letting that cat out of the bag on your wedding day. Hopefully your wedding day will be a day when your closet friends and family come to celebrate the fact you and your DH are making it known that you are going to be a loving partnership for the rest of your lives, that peice of paper that makes that partnership a legal bond is just that. A legal peice of paper.

Make your day about celebrating your love for one another, not a reason for all manner of people to get their noses out of joint and wonder why they bothered to come as they don't see it as a real wedding....

If you are worried about it being noticed that you aren't signing the paperwork, perhaps you could 'stage' something with a couple of friends that already know your little secret.

So, I'm going option 5 :D

PS- Dying to know what your 'usual' name is :lol:
 
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Mon Aug 06, 2012 12:45 pm

I'm going against the grain - I think you should tell.

I would be EXTREMELY offended if I discovered that I had been lied to about attending a wedding when it was actually a renewal. Also, I'm aware of what the legal requirements are, so I'd know it wasn't a legal ceremony and would be concerned that you didn't know. So I'd probably raise it with you which would be awkward.

I'd tell people before (not at the wedding). It doesn't make your day less special and people will still come. I just think they have a right to know what they're attending.
 
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:04 pm

KateM wrote:
I'm going against the grain - I think you should tell.

I would be EXTREMELY offended if I discovered that I had been lied to about attending a wedding when it was actually a renewal. Also, I'm aware of what the legal requirements are, so I'd know it wasn't a legal ceremony and would be concerned that you didn't know. So I'd probably raise it with you which would be awkward.

I'd tell people before (not at the wedding). It doesn't make your day less special and people will still come. I just think they have a right to know what they're attending.


This. :tick: :tick:

I understand all your reasons for not telling people, but it'd be even more confusing and potentially upsetting to have the truth come out just before or on your wedding day. And all it takes is ONE person to make a careless comment for it all to come out! Or someone questioning the wording of the ceremony.

The more likely you think certain people will be offended, the more reason it is to tell them WELL in advance of the wedding, even before invitations are sent, so they have time to get over it. I'd suggest wording the invite as a 'vow renewal' - which is what it is! Tell your relatives and close friends personally now, before you send out the invitation - grandparents, parents, aunts/uncles, cousins. Word it tactfully, "You wouldn't know this: X and I got married 5 years ago. You know we were both very young then and didn't have the resources or inclination to organise a celebration then, so we would really like to have a vow renewal this year and share our belated wedding celebration with you, etc. etc. etc." Up to you if you want to explain your reasons for getting married or for not telling people, but if you're diplomatic about it, one would hope your relatives will be momentarily upset or shocked, but will come round in time and be happy to celebrate with you! I think it would be even more hurtful if your parents/siblings found out about it afterward, than if you told them asap.

For other friends/work colleagues - a short explanation by phone/email that you got married years ago but want to do a vow renewal now should be enough before you post the invitations.

And as someone else said, you can add the story to your ceremony introduction as well, just to give people more of a background to it. Turn it into a sweet, funny, sentimental story rather than trying to hide it like something you might be ashamed of. Then you won't have to spend your wedding day worrying that someone will let slip the secret!
 
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Mon Aug 06, 2012 3:25 pm

I think it depends on the reason you didn't tell people to start with.

let's all think that over for a minute...
 
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:18 pm

MoolieMoo wrote:
I think it depends on the reason you didn't tell people to start with


Totally agree....and why now, after 5 years of being married....

Must admit, if I were a guest at the "wedding" and the bride & groom announced that they were already hitched, my mind would be working overtime with all the questions I'd want to ask. You'll be bombarded with questions all day long and some people are bound to be upset that youy kept such a big secret from them.

I'm sure you had a very good reason for keeping it under wraps all this time but IMO, I wouldn't be letting the cat out of the bag that late in the piece. I reckon if you are going to let your secret out, do so well in advance so friends and family have time to absorb the news.
 
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:20 pm

.
 
lrh
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Mon Aug 06, 2012 9:02 pm

I'd be inclined to let your families know - at the very least. I think I'd find it really odd - are you able to explain why you got married, in secret, to them so they better understand. I agree with others who think dropping the bomb now would be fraught with danger.
 
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Wed Aug 08, 2012 1:35 am

We were married 3 months before our church wedding because my mum was dying. It was in her house and no one except parents, 2 friends, my children, my nan and dh brother and sister knew. But we did tell everyone the next day, then when we had our big wedding it was exactly the same as always except we didn't sign the marriage certificate, as that had already been done. It would seem so out of the ordinary to not sign your certificate as part of your ceremony, so people would question that. I am not sure that you could keep it a secret. But if your parents don't know, I would definitely at least tell them.
 
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Wed Aug 08, 2012 1:07 pm

There are specific legal guidelines that need to be followed by the celebrant and the celebrant can in no way pretend that it is a real wedding ceremony.
My professional opinion is that you should do whatever you choose as its your special day, as long as it meets the legal guidelines.

My personal opinion is that I would tell family - specifically parents, before the big day. I would be very hurt if I found out at the same time as other guests that my son/daughter had been married in secret at an earlier time.

I love the idea of keeping it a surprise from the other guests and telling a story as your celebrant suggested. In my opinion its really romantic that you got married so young and are still so in love that you want to do it all again :heart:
You could include the reasons why you married in secret within your story along with the reasons why your doing the big wedding now.
Something along the lines of: (very bare-boned story, but just to give you an idea :D )

" __ and ___ met in 1995, ........ ____ was attracted to ____' s beautiful smile and lively personality.
Theyir first date was at the _______ and the following week at the ________ ..................etc etc and their relationship quickly grew into something very special.

_____ and ______ were young and in love and they knew they wanted to be together for ever. They also knew that their families would more than likely dissaprove because .................
So on the 01/01/01 they married in secret at the local registry office. They were elated that they had become husband and wife, however they were also disapointed that they couldn't share their special moment with those closest to them -their family and friends. "

I dont think anyone would be offended about the fact that you are already legally married and including reasons why in your story should stop the questions :D
 
LunaNoona
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Sat Aug 11, 2012 8:36 pm

Thanks for all the advice everyone! We think we've decided to keep to ourselves :heart:
 
Mrs Kylo
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Re: Should we keep it a secret?

Sun Aug 19, 2012 12:53 pm

LunaNoona wrote:
Thanks for all the advice everyone! We think we've decided to keep to ourselves :heart:


I think if you ARE keeping it to yourselves you could have the celebrant say at the end that you arranged and signed all the necessary paperwork in advance, so you'll be moving straight on to congratulations
That's completely true (it just doesn't specify how far in advance the paperwork was done) and it explains to your guests why you're not stopping to sign the certificate, etc on the day .. it might also allay any concerns your guests have about the legal requirements as they'll assume anything else that's been missed or re-worded may have been covered in advance too

Good luck to you .. it's a huge decision either way to share or keep the secret!
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