A Community for Brides Planning their Wedding in Australia

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Darens Girl

Re: Chinese Weddings

Sat Jun 26, 2010 12:24 pm

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Last edited by Darens Girl on Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
 
ninja_kwan
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Sat Jun 26, 2010 1:21 pm

Choosing the date started off really easy but it got really frustrating in the end.

It start off with the condition that it must be on a Sunday (FH's relatives owns a family restaurant, they're only willing to close it up on Sundays), with that we wanted it to be on a long weekend so guests don't have to leave the reception early and that we wanted in either March - May or Oct - Nov. So we went through all the Melbourne public holidays and chose March, over the Melbourne's labour day long weekend. THEN my mum decided that she wanted to make sure that date is auspicious enough for marriage - she started asking me for FH's and FPIL's birth date and time, which I refused. Then dad said noone gets marry in March - get this, we told them the date back in Sept/Oct 2009, the reason why he said noone gets marries in March is because he thought that we were planning for a March 2010 wedding and that it might clash with Ching Ming Festival as well as possibly mum's lunar birthday being in the same month. So instead of saying that's too much of a rush, he said no one organises wedding for March?!? That's Chinese parenting for ya say one thing, but mean something else.

In the end I gave them a list of Melbourne public holidays in 2011, our conditions and a 2 weeks deadline (we wanted to start looking and booking venues), and told them they can choose another date that fits all the conditions. They chose April over either ANZAC day long weekend or Easter, but in 2011 they're on the same weekend and there's no way we can have it over Easter - we're not religious, but as if anyone would be attending a wedding on Easter Sunday!?!! This went for about two month , we finalised our venue at the end of our 2 weeks deadline without telling them. Long story short we got our original date in the end. :mrgreen:
 
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bryaneunice
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Sat Jun 26, 2010 6:44 pm

ninja_kwan wrote:
So instead of saying that's too much of a rush, he said no one organises wedding for March?!? That's Chinese parenting for ya say one thing, but mean something else.


Totally agree with that. A priest has once enlightened me about this anthropologist Edward T. Hall's concept of high context culture and low context culture. Traditional Chinese (such as my FILs) are high context, meaning many things are left unsaid, letting the culture explain itself. They don't really use words to express themselves very much, assuming that we'd understand.

Unfortunately, FH and I are considered as low context people, we're more liberal and we say what we mean without much hiding. So the cultural clash exists between us and FILs :(
 
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sylvatin
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:22 am

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bryaneunice
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Sun Jun 27, 2010 7:12 pm

sylvatin wrote:
My MiL always always says confusing things (seemingly black and white things, like "no one organises a wedding for March"), and then I take it to DH for a "translation", so to speak, and he needs to think about it for a week before he can distinguish what is being said.


LOL that is so true! You know how traditional Chinese people don't really communicate or express themselves by speaking. So other things like body language is really important and that's also how they judge others! FMIL used to stare at me from head to toe the first time she saw me, I felt so uneasy because my every movement was being watched! 8O
 
Darens Girl

Re: Chinese Weddings

Sun Jun 27, 2010 10:18 pm

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Dandelion
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Sun Jun 27, 2010 10:47 pm

Well, FMIL has now decided that if we aren't going to do the tea ceremony "properly" (this is, in the morning, and have FH pick me up etc) then there is no point doing it at all. She was really good about it, and pretty much shrugged and said that she isn't traditional and she didn't raise her kids traditionally, so there isn't much point. *shrugs* Ah well, no-one can say we didn't try! :lol:
 
Darens Girl

Re: Chinese Weddings

Sun Jun 27, 2010 10:52 pm

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Dandelion
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Sun Jun 27, 2010 11:03 pm

Yep, I would have liked to do it. :( I feel in a way that preserving FH's family culture has become more important to me than it is to them. My paternal grandparents were Danish, and I am only 2nd generation Aussie, but from looking at our family you wouldn't know that we came from a 'different' culture, they have integrated SO much that there is nothing left. When I was very young, I remember we used to do a few Danish things, but as we got older, they all seemed to phase out. I think it would be such a shame to see that happen to FH's family culture. It's turned out that I am the one *fighting* to include Chinese traditions and to give our future children a connection to their heritage.

But, it's more important to keep the peace with FMIL, so I won't push the issue.
 
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:21 am

mrsko wrote:
bryaneunice wrote:
By the way, I was wondering how did you guys select your wedding date? You know how some Chinese superstition says you can't get married on certain months e.g. the Hungry Ghost festival. FH and I haven't exactly picked out a date yet but we know we wanna do it in Autumn 2012, so the Hungry Ghost festival is not an issue here.

I actually didn't know about the hungry ghost period until MIL told us so... funny thing is, DH actually believes in this amongst all superstitions. We actually got married at the end of March, even so MIL wasn't so concerned about dates either.


As soon as I got engaged, I started thinking of dates and I had to keep in mind Ching Ming Festival which was difficult as I didn't know when exactly it would fall. After some research I was able to get the month. Mum said not to have it at all during the whole month Ching Ming Festival fell on (lunar calendar). It became alright end of April but then I decided that I would have it in May cos I saw the 8th of May and thought 'well, chinese like the number 8 cos they think of prosperity etc) :) I didn't bother seeking an actual date through the gods etc as I was actually a bit scared I might find out that DH and my dates don't match!!!! 8O (the whole chinese 'matching dates' to make sure you are right for eachother). Anyway, I found this site that gives you an general indication if it's a good date to get married, clean the house etc etc and it turned out to be a good date :)


Dan, sorry to hear that FMIL has decided she doesn't want the ceremony anymore. My dad and stepmum kept saying there's no need for the ceremony etc etc and even gave us our wedding presents (the dragon and phoenix bangles, the watch they bought for DH etc early) but I managed to change their minds and I think they are actually happy they did. The look on their faces in the photos says it all really :)
 
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bryaneunice
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Mon Jun 28, 2010 4:44 pm

mrsko wrote:
Just goes to show that asian people, the older folks in particular are judgement & critical people.


Yes, that's so true. My FMIL once said to FH how she could foresee into the future the way his married life is going to be just by looking at me. As much as I think my FPILs are bad enough, there's also FH's grandmother who likes to be the boss of the family and controls everyone under her. :|
 
riya

Re: Chinese Weddings

Tue Jul 13, 2010 6:48 pm

It's nice to find an chinese weddings.

Have a great day! :wink:
 
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hlc
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Wed Jul 14, 2010 12:39 pm

Dan, I had the opposite. My mum went from wanting to have a "western" ceremony in NZ and a "chinese" one in Malaysia to cancelling the Malaysia one and not having a tea ceremony at all to now wanting to have a tea ceremony at my wedding in NZ! She did want it in the morning too but my fh is superstitious about seeing the bride before the ceremony so we all agreed to do it just before the reception with both our families.

I'm also at the point where I dont want to rock the boat with FMIl or my mum so I'm just going with it!
 
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bryaneunice
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Fri Jul 23, 2010 9:45 am

Just a wee update on my side. FFIL has told FH that, "A wedding won't be agreed upon without a tea ceremony" so I guess that's pretty obvious that he's expecting us to have one? FH said it just came out from his mouth randomly with no particular reference to our wedding or any wedding :?
 
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sallylily
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Wed Jul 28, 2010 12:35 pm

hlc wrote:
Dan, I had the opposite. My mum went from wanting to have a "western" ceremony in NZ and a "chinese" one in Malaysia to cancelling the Malaysia one and not having a tea ceremony at all to now wanting to have a tea ceremony at my wedding in NZ!


Having a tea ceremony is much easier. Maybe that was a great way to maintain Chinese tradition without having a complete Chinese wedding ceremony.
 
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Tue Aug 17, 2010 11:09 pm

I still have no idea what we are doing, but I am staying calm and preparing for any eventuality at this stage! FFIL is in Hong Kong at the moment and just before he left he took my wrist measurement. FSIL translated it as "for your marital cuffs" but she didn't know what that meant. I assumed it meant the gold bracelets that you see chinese brides being given at their tea ceremonies, but I'm not sure.
 
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bryaneunice
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Tue Aug 17, 2010 11:21 pm

Oh Dandy, I think it could be a gold or jade bangle that are usually family heirloom passed on to daughter in laws :D From the sound of it, I think your FILs are very traditional.
 
Dandelion
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Tue Aug 17, 2010 11:26 pm

bryaneunice wrote:
Oh Dandy, I think it could be a gold or jade bangle that are usually family heirloom passed on to daughter in laws :D From the sound of it, I think your FILs are very traditional.


They are and they aren't! In some ways, they really like to do things traditionally, and in others, they don't care! It's rather bizarre, drives FH mad. He says that they 'pick and choose' what they do, but I guess that is no different to my family and some of the western customs we follow. I don't mind smiling and nodding and trying to do my best to understand what they want from me, I just wish they would make up their minds! :lol: But they are going through a lot at the moment so I understand.
 
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bryaneunice
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Wed Aug 18, 2010 12:20 am

Dandelion wrote:
They are and they aren't! In some ways, they really like to do things traditionally, and in others, they don't care! It's rather bizarre, drives FH mad. He says that they 'pick and choose' what they do, but I guess that is no different to my family and some of the western customs we follow.


Somehow this picking and choosing reminds me of my FILs too :lol: That's why FH and I don't understand them sometimes, but they're his parents so I tend to just follow whatever FH thinks will please them, just to avoid problems (considering our history with them) :roll:
 
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sylvatin
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Re: Chinese Weddings

Wed Aug 18, 2010 8:15 am

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Last edited by sylvatin on Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
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