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knicoknico
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Do we take it or leave it?

Tue Jun 26, 2012 9:33 pm

Hello,
My FHs aunty recently gave us a very generous amount of money to help out with our wedding costs. She asked that we don't tell my FHs mother because she might be offended. She also asked that we invite a distant relative's family because they are close. The money more than covers the cost of inviting the distant relatives and we have had dinner with them a couple of times so they're not complete strangers. However, we're only having a small wedding and if we invite the distant relatives, other uninvited relatives will be offended. Also, we wouldn't know how to explain this sudden change in the guest list to my FHs mother who is contributing to the reception. Should we turn down the money and how would we do this without causing offence?
 
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KG'sGirl
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Tue Jun 26, 2012 9:38 pm

Where does it leave you financially if you don't take the contribution?
 
knicoknico
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Tue Jun 26, 2012 9:49 pm

We're scraping by at the moment (FH is a student) so it would relieve a lot of stress. His aunty is very well off.
 
magpieC
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:52 pm

If it were me the stress of keeping that information to myself would not be worth it, either she wants to give you a gift (in which case it's unconditional) or she doesn't.
 
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Wed Jun 27, 2012 1:08 am

Oh no this is a case of you're damned if you and you're damned if you don't.

I totally understand where you are coming from with the financial side of things, financial burdon can be a lot of stress. We are doing it tough at the moment and trying to accommodate the cost of a wedding makes it even harder. But we are paying for almost everything ourselves, and not asking for help. That may mean cutting back on the extravagant things and bargain hunting! People who are not in a financially stressful situation probably wouldn't understand how hard it is, and how tempting it might be for you to take the money.
It is a nice gesture of FH's Aunty... But I guess the only thing you need to think about is, why is this aunt so against your MIL finding out? Is there more to it? What if you took it and MIL asks how you have suddenly been able to afford extra guests and so much nice stuff at the wedding. It could all end in a downward spiral of lies. Not the nicest way to start a new marriage :(
Do a pro and con list.. see what you come up with.
What does FH think you both should do?
 
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:28 am

I think I'd be telling the aunt that you've talked about it & its more important to you both that you have complete control of your guest list & that you don't start off married life with secrets, rather than taking the money
You can do it nicely so as not to offend her & just take the money out of the equation
 
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:57 am

It sounds to me like the Aunt is being a little manipulative asking you to lie to your FMIL. I would thank her for her generosity and ask her why particularly she wants you to keep it from your MIL and then weigh up whether it is worth it. I think honestly unless you can tell your FMIL the truth, it will just end in hurt and tears (from both sides). Honesty with inlaws and a good relationship with them is really worth more in the long run.
 
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Wed Jun 27, 2012 1:37 pm

Well done Agape. That is very nicely said.
 
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KG'sGirl
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Wed Jun 27, 2012 8:34 pm

Agape wrote:
I think I would be responding along the lines of

'Thank you very much for your generous offer, we have considered your offer and we feel that making changes to our guest list may upset FMIL because there are guests that we all feel should be invited before guests A & B. We do not wish for one of the most important days of our life to be overshadowed by family politics, it is with this reason in mind that we have to turn-down your offer.


:tick: :tick:
 
knicoknico
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Fri Aug 31, 2012 5:46 pm

Well, FH ended up putting the problem to his Aunt for a solution. She's decided to ask FMIL if she can pay for the other rellies to come.
 
flowerpower82
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Thu Sep 13, 2012 12:39 am

Wow she really wants those other rellies there!
 
Surprisebride2013
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Thu Sep 13, 2012 7:54 pm

Here is the other question that sprang to my mind when reading this......do you want these particular rellies at YOUR wedding?
It's your wedding you should have the people you want there not people other people want.
Justly opinion sorry if I offend anyone :)
 
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Fri Sep 14, 2012 10:04 am

Surprisebride2013 wrote:
Here is the other question that sprang to my mind when reading this......do you want these particular rellies at YOUR wedding?
It's your wedding you should have the people you want there not people other people want.
Justly opinion sorry if I offend anyone :)


Just in response to this - and obviously its up to the OP with respect to the particular guests...

Both our parents contributed to the costs of our wedding - mine substantially more than DH's, but it was still a contribution. When we did our guest list, we included the family friends we thought our parents would like to invite. We showed them our lists and asked if there was anyone we had missed.

DH's parents - "You don't have to invite these people just because they're our friends". Well, no, but we want them there.

My parents (well, Mum) - "here's the people you've missed".

Now, most of those extra people I didn't know very well. But I had enough space at the venue that by inviting them, I wasn't excluding people who I actually wanted there. And so for me to have a few extra faces there which were important to my mother, while missing noone important to me, was a no-brainer. Especially when they gave us so much towards the wedding.

Something else to consider. But I would have only fussed if I was constructed by numbers and couldn't accomodate those people without removing my own friends - and I thin my Mum would have understood if that was the case.
 
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Fri Sep 14, 2012 10:40 am

mrsgtobe wrote:
I think I'd be telling the aunt that you've talked about it & its more important to you both that you have complete control of your guest list & that you don't start off married life with secrets, rather than taking the money
You can do it nicely so as not to offend her & just take the money out of the equation

:tick: :tick:

completely agree with this comment. You shouldn't have to lie about receiving money or not and no one should decide your guest list apart from the bride and groom :)
I would definitely tell your Aunty that whilst you thank her for the generous offer you don't feel comfortable accepting for the above reasons.

also i know its hard but I don't think that fact that you are struggling should be a deciding factor to take the money, you should only ever have the wedding that you can afford; wether If its a small cheaper wedding now or a larger more expensive wedding later.
 
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Sat Sep 15, 2012 6:45 pm

knicoknico wrote:
Well, FH ended up putting the problem to his Aunt for a solution. She's decided to ask FMIL if she can pay for the other rellies to come.


Why does she want them there so badly? It is YOUR wedding, not hers.

My parents offered a significant contribution to our wedding and when I asked if there was anyone they would like there, they said it was my wedding and I didn't have to invite anyone for them.

FH's Father on the other hand, who isn't contributing a cent, was offended when we told him we weren't inviting his distant relatives... Sigh
 
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Re: Do we take it or leave it?

Sun Sep 16, 2012 11:13 pm

Aria86 wrote:
knicoknico wrote:
Well, FH ended up putting the problem to his Aunt for a solution. She's decided to ask FMIL if she can pay for the other rellies to come.


Why does she want them there so badly? It is YOUR wedding, not hers.



I am also interested to know why she cares who is at YOUR wedding?
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