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rede6528

Offending Brother of Groom, not a Groomsman

Tue Aug 14, 2012 3:43 pm

Help! S.O.S
My Groom-to-be has only one brother who is quite inappropriate as a groomsman. Not only are they not close siblings, they live other sides of Australia from each other which makes suits, shoes, rehearsals, difficult and expensive.
His brother is also a heavy smoker and (due to drug use) has a really short fuse and is impatient (which concerns me for the photos). Recently he has had a skin reaction to a chemical he uses at work so the skin on his face, neck and arms is peeling and looks like peeling sunburn.

We have not asked the brother to be a groomsman as his nature is completely different to us and we hardly speak to him only when we all get together at Christmas time.

We find out today (5 weeks til the wedding) that the brother is offended he is not a groomsman and wants to know why he isn't a groomsman when my only sister is a bridesmaid.

To make matters more awkward.... I have 3 Bridesmaids and 2 Groomsman so uneven numbers.... as we have chosen who WE want on the bridal party regardless of family ties.

What can we say to him to calm the situation only 5 weeks out from out wedding?

HELP!
 
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EmmaCupcake
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Re: Offending Brother of Groom, not a Groomsman

Tue Aug 14, 2012 4:00 pm

I would just say exactly what you said about living on other sides of the country, that you would have loved to have him but due to that reason you decided not to ask because of the stress it would cause to all of you.
 
bronzestar
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Re: Offending Brother of Groom, not a Groomsman

Wed Aug 15, 2012 1:53 pm

Lawwa wrote:
I am going to say that it's YOUR wedding, YOUR day and you have who YOU want. It's not about calming the situation, it's more about making them see that they are behaving like a 2 year old and that the more tantrums they throw, the less successful they'll be!


Image

I would be saying that your DH has chosen the people that he is is closest to in his life to support him on his wedding day. Yes, you may be his brother but the two of you aren't close, so he didn't choose you to support him on his big day. And being on different sides of the country just wasn't realistic for suit fittings, rehearsal dinners, speech writing and bucks nights so we thought that it would be unfair to ask you to be groomsman when you couldn't participate in these activities because you aren't here.
 
Laura&Finn
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Re: Offending Brother of Groom, not a Groomsman

Tue Aug 28, 2012 1:42 pm

I'm having a kinda similar problem, with FH's brother, he's going to be a groomsman but for the first year or so of our relationship he was a complete pig to me, me and his now ex were best friends and had a falling out so she poisoned him against me, he's only just started to come good, but I don't really want him as a groomsman, considering how negative he was to me, but it's FH's choice. In your situation tho, I'd suggest you get FH to talk to him and you stay out of it, it's FH's choice who's a groomsman and as they're brothers, he should talk to him about it, it may only make matters worse if you are the one that speaks to FBIL about it all
 
Mrs Babb to be
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Re: Offending Brother of Groom, not a Groomsman

Tue Aug 28, 2012 5:06 pm

Coming from the experiecne of having my FH left out of his Brothers wedding party, it is not a nice feeling. My FH was devestated when he found out he wasnt in the bridal party even when one of his groomsmen stood down he still replaced him with another friend of his wifes. By any means it is your wedding and you have the up most right to have who ever you like in your bridal party. Good luck xxxxx
 
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stormageddon
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Re: Offending Brother of Groom, not a Groomsman

Wed Aug 29, 2012 12:26 pm

Ok I have a few opinions on this post

rede6528 wrote:
they live other sides of Australia from each other which makes suits, shoes, rehearsals, difficult and expensive.


Most Bridal Parties are happy to contribute financially when it comes to their attire so he may be willing to pay for himself and so long as you give them plenty of notice I am sure they can find the time for the rehearsal, one of my bridesmaids are flying in from London.


rede6528 wrote:
To make matters more awkward.... I have 3 Bridesmaids and 2 Groomsman so uneven numbers.... as we have chosen who WE want on the bridal party regardless of family ties.


I do not believe even numbers are important for a bridal party, it is your wedding and if you want uneven number then its your choice 


rede6528 wrote:
What can we say to him to calm the situation only 5 weeks out from out wedding?


The groomsmen choice is up to your FH so it’s up to him to speak with his brother on why he did not ask him, I think you get an easy out here and can handball this to your FH

rede6528 wrote:
His brother is also a heavy smoker and (due to drug use) has a really short fuse and is impatient (which concerns me for the photos). Recently he has had a skin reaction to a chemical he uses at work so the skin on his face, neck and arms is peeling and looks like peeling sunburn.


This point I find a bit artificial, you shouldn’t not have someone in your wedding party because they won’t look pretty in your photos., whether he is in the bridal party or not you generally have photos done with family members and the fact that he smokes wouldn’t matter either, again I have a smoker in my bridal party but I am sure she wont light up mid photo.


Its 5 weeks until your wedding so I wouldn’t worry too much, he isn’t a groomsmen because your FH didn’t want him to be one, If his feelings are hurt then maybe you can incorporate him into the wedding another way like having him be one of your two witnesses?
 
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kristal
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Re: Offending Brother of Groom, not a Groomsman

Wed Aug 29, 2012 5:43 pm

I absolutely agree with the above about the brother's looks. That shouldn't really be a factor in it at all. He cannot help it if he has had a skin reaction and it shouldn't even come into the reasons for not having him.

However just explain to him about the other things. If they haven't been close, there is no reason why he should be involved.
 
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KG'sGirl
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Re: Offending Brother of Groom, not a Groomsman

Wed Aug 29, 2012 8:16 pm

bronzestar wrote:
Lawwa wrote:
I am going to say that it's YOUR wedding, YOUR day and you have who YOU want. It's not about calming the situation, it's more about making them see that they are behaving like a 2 year old and that the more tantrums they throw, the less successful they'll be!


Image

I would be saying that your DH has chosen the people that he is is closest to in his life to support him on his wedding day. Yes, you may be his brother but the two of you aren't close, so he didn't choose you to support him on his big day. And being on different sides of the country just wasn't realistic for suit fittings, rehearsal dinners, speech writing and bucks nights so we thought that it would be unfair to ask you to be groomsman when you couldn't participate in these activities because you aren't here.


:tick: :tick:

But I do agree that his skin condition should not be a factor in the decision :?
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