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Georgie&Kris
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Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 1:45 pm

My FH and I have just started talking about a ring bearer and flower girl and we agreed to have 1 of each role, 1 kid from my side and one side from his.
I have 6 months pregnant bridesmaid who's baby will be almost 2 on the wedding day (leaving the gender a surprise) and a boy who'll be 13 on the wedding day. He's the son of a family who consider me as their daughter. We're in no way related but I don't have a family so they will be my 'family' on the wedding day. So their son means a lot to me.
My FH has a niece who will be 3 on our wedding day (1yo ATM, gorgeous little girl, but a very weird/always angry personality) and a nephew who will be 2 on our wedding day. My FH has a daughter who will be 15 on our wedding day.

When I suggested to have my friends 13yo son as the ring bearer, my FH suggested to have his daughter as the flower girl.
I have nothing against his daughter (we live interstate, have only met twice and has the typical sarcastic teenage girl attitude, so I'm not that close to her), but I don't want her being the flower girl. Not only will she be 15, but I'm 5"9/175cm and she is taller and a lot broader than me, shes shy and she's not the least bit of a girly-girl. I spoke to a friend about it and she suggested to have her as a junior bridesmaid and I don't want that either because my 2 bridesmaids are both 5"6 and tiny so she'll look so out of place.

Of course being the daughter of the love of my life, I accept her as part of my FH etc etc, but is my pickiness being bridzilla-ish??

I'd rather that if she wants to be involved in the ceremony, to read a poem or something.. What could she do to be involved in the ceremony?
Is it normal to not have a flower girl and ring bearer?
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 1:53 pm

Yeah I think what you want is reasonable. It's a good compromise to ask her to do a reading or something.

Alternately, if she's shy, you could have a shopping day with her, and include her in your dress shopping as well as picking her outfit? Also, if she's the only 15 year old there and you can afford it, maybe she could bring a date? (this could just be a good friend given her age as well)
 
Georgie&Kris
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:18 pm

The bring a friend idea is great but unfortunately we're just not going to be able to afford it, the same with bringing her dress shopping because she's in Newcastle and we're in Brisbane and her mother is far from cooperative. she gets along really well with my FHs family so they'll keep her entertained.

As much as my friends son will be disapointed about not being the ring bearer (he's already been told and was so excited) I think it may be better to have no flower girl or ring bearer and maybe do a sand ceremony. I had planned saying something about her in my vows but maybe my FH and I say a vow together about her being apart of our family or something. I don't know!
She is suuuuch a touchy topic with my FH because all his previous relationships have ended because his ex's can't cope with her in the picture. I have no problem with her, but I have to approach the topic gently so he doesn't presume I don't like her. Lol
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:27 pm

you might not like this but I don't think it should matter how tall she is or what she looks like as to whether or not she is a flower girl or junior bridesmaid, it's great that your FH has an opinion as this is his wedding too and if he wants his daughter to be a flower girl then i think it's really sweet and she should do that.
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:45 pm

Let me get this straight..........You don''t want her because she is too big compared to you and your BMs therefore may not look good in the photos?? She has teenage attitude??? or was it shy and not girlie enough for either role???
You may need to remember what getting married is all about-not the fairytale
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 3:08 pm

Ok people c'mon. I get that if your other half has kids you need to thionk about them too but there isn't anything wrong with wanting to choose your own bridal attendants. No one should be made to chose someone they don't want by anyone and that includes the groom.

I disliked my husband's choice in one of his groomsman but said nothing because it was his choice.
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 3:15 pm

Its difficult.

Personally I do think that 15 is too old to be a flower girl. I also think 13 is too old to be a ringbearer - those are generally child roles in my experience. But hey, I am the girl who wanted pugs to be mine so I certainly would not dismiss anyone who had older folwer girls etc.

Being a junior bridesmaid is more appropriate if you were to include her, but sounds like you don't really want to? If this is the case, at risk of being unpopular. I think its kinds of unfair if your friend's son is in the bridal party but his daughter is not. My gut feeling is in this case its either both or neither, or if only one his daughter as a direct relative should be included over a friends son.

Weddings are full of politics and we don't know your exact situation, but for your own sakes and family harmony think carefully before making a decision here!
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 3:40 pm

[quote="L.I.W"]Its difficult.

Personally I do think that 15 is too old to be a flower girl. I also think 13 is too old to be a ringbearer - those are generally child roles in my experience.

I agree with LIW, I do think that 15 and 13 are a bit too old for these roles, but then again its your wedding and if you want those roles filled by these kids, then so be it. I think you'd be causing some alienation of your fh and his family if you didn't have your future stepdaughter in the wedding. Maybe you can ask her and see if she wants to be in it. She might be happy not to be. If she's not a girly girl she may choose not to be in the wedding at all. I think you should talk it over to your fh, suggest a variety of roles she could play. Just a thought but here goes - 1. she can escort your fh down the aisle just before the ceremony begins - sort of giving him away. 2. be an attendant on his side - wearing a unique dress picked to blend in with the bridal party, but supporting her father. 3. read a special poem or reading. 4. you could ask her to come forward and make a special vow to her to be a good stepmother etc. I do have a friend who point blank refused to let her stepdaughter be flowergirl and it caused a huge rift in the family for a few years - her inlaws wouldn't talk to her at all over it. All 15 year olds are different and I think you should include her by firstly asking her what she would like to do. Maybe next time she visits take her to lunch and make a day of including her in the wedding plans, i'm sure as long as you are including his daughter and considering her feelings your fh will be happy.
 
Georgie&Kris
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 4:13 pm

Stormageddon- that's a fair call. Thanks for your input :)

Cathy1- going off the questions marks, i think you may have taken my first post a bit seriously. All of the above. Firstly, its not that i "don't want her", because i knew from day 1 she would be in the picture and have always been happy with that. I understand what marriage is about, but between not being a girly girl and having a teenage girl attitude, she probably wouldn't enjoy throwing petals out of a basket in a pretty dress.. The attitude is just a stage and there's nothing wrong with not being a girly-girl. I'm not a girly-girl by any stretch of the imagination and know more about cars than most men so don't think it's how I want the day to be. I want her to enjoy herself as well and don't want her thinking she has to do it.
My FH's daughter reminds me so much of what I was like when I was her age, so please don't take my comment the wrong way. I was the same size as her when i was her age ive lost weight since, but im still a big girl. I was just looking forward to being taller and broader than the other girls walking down the aisle.
I have already told his daughter that she can come with me and the girls to get our hair and makeup done and get ready on the wedding day but she didn't seem interested. My FH and his family have all said that she likes me and told her dad to marry me so it's not that she doesn't like me, it's just not her thing.

Sidonie - Thank you. My FH originally expected me to have his sister as one of my bridesmaids but I put a stop to that straight away. I love his family and have nothing against any of them but I've only met them all twice so I'm not going to have his family members as my side of the bridal party.

L.I.W- i do think 15 and 13 are too old, but i think our other options are too young and will chuck a tantrum. We're planning having all the littlies away from the ceremony for that reason. I completely agree that itd be unfair to have just a ring bearer from my side but no flowergirl from his side. I think it's going to be easier to just not have either, but he may disagree.
Ps- we'd love to have our staffy at our wedding but the venue won't allow it lol

Ive been reading about having a "sand ceremony" which sounds like it may be a nice thing to do. It has a lot more meaning than being a flower girl and she won't have to wear a dress matching the theme if she doesn't want to.
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 4:17 pm

never too old wrote:
1. she can escort your fh down the aisle just before the ceremony begins - sort of giving him away.
2. be an attendant on his side - wearing a unique dress picked to blend in with the bridal party, but supporting her father.
3. read a special poem or reading.



I second these ideas :) :tick: :tick:
 
Georgie&Kris
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 4:47 pm

They are fantastic ideas!! Thank you!:)
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:07 pm

misspony wrote:
In my opinion, 15 is too old to be a flower girl, she will probably feel completely stupid walking down the aisle throwing out petals from a little basket. As others have suggested, find another job for her in the wedding. If she becomes a junior bridesmaid, then so be it. No one says you have to, but it would be a nice gesture to both her and your FH that you really appreciate and accept her as part of your family.

I don't understand your rational behind wanting to be the tallest and broadest one walking down the aisle. Why does it matter if someone is taller than you?


Actually this is true - my bridesmaids were both taller than me - but I was the woman in the white dress, of course I stood out despite my shortness!
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:12 pm

I'm probably the only one who can understand you not wanting someone taller than you in the wedding photos lol my sister is a foot taller than me (I'm 5'2"-ish), my bridesmaid is easily almost 5'5" and my FH best man is a tall guy as well and the one groomsman we're considering is also much taller than I. I worry FH and I will look like hobbits next to the others, but I'm trying not to worry about it lol. It might not be considered "right" to be worried about "petty things like that" but we cant help how we feel.

As for your dilema, the ages are too old for those roles. The boy can be an usher and your stepdaughter can either step up for a sand cermony or do a reading or something.

I agree in asking her what she'd like to do. Maybe if she's shy, she wont want to be included in it at all.
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:27 pm

misspony wrote:
Wand33 wrote:
It might not be considered "right" to be worried about "petty things like that" but we cant help how we feel.

Plus, I am pretty sure that absolutely no one else will be thinking about the height of people in the bridal party compared to the bride/groom!!


No, but looking back on photos she (the bride) will always see it. Kinda like women always notice their flaws first in the mirror whilst to everyone else, they dont notice them. :)
 
Georgie&Kris
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:44 pm

Miss pony - I know the tall thing sounds weird, but thats just how I want it. I don't think it's fair for an extra person to be forced on to my side of the bridal party. Regardless of if its FH's sister, daughter etc etc. She is welcome to stand with FH and two groomsmen. It'd be a nice gesture for me to have her on my side, but she knows she is accepted into 'our' family now. I'd just prefer her to be sitting in the front row, joining in with our vow, doing a sand ceremony and if she wants to make a speech or whatever then that's fine..

I'm getting the impression that some people think I'm not accepting her into the 'family'. That's certainly not the case.
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 8:26 pm

OMG you really just may be a Bridezilla lol!

Your jumping from - not wanting her in your party because she is tall, shy, wrong age etc to
- not wanting her because you want her to be comfortable and just enjoy herself to
- not wanting to be forced in to having her on your side but he can have her on his!

If this was your 15yr old son and your FH didnt ask him to be in the party even though you had voiced that you would like that . how would you feel? or would it even be a discussion?
 
Georgie&Kris
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Wed Oct 17, 2012 8:49 pm

There are many reasons why I don't want her being a flower girl not just one. The more I think about it, the more un suitable it would be.

If the roles were reversed and it was my 15yo son, I'd be fine with compromising so he could do something else more suitable.
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Thu Oct 18, 2012 12:29 am

Your future step daughter should definitely be a junior bridesmaid. When I married my 2nd husband I had 3 children, both my daughters were bridesmaids and my 6yr old son, was the ring bearer. They made the ceremony much more meaningful. I don't understand how you feel that you are being "forced" to have her in your bridal party. If you really had of accepted her, you would WANT to have her part of your entourage.
She is definitely too old to be a flower girl, you are right about that, but a junior bridesmaid would be perfect for her and would make her feel so special. I think that walking her dad down the aisle is inappropriate, and if she is shy making a speech or doing a reading would probably be too overwhelming for her. Yep, IMHO you are being a bridezilla. You may not be close atm but you never know how life is going to turn out, my son spent the night before the wedding with "the Boys" Groom, BM and groomsman. The bonding experience was fantastic. You are being given such a fantastic opportunity to change the situation with this girl and become better friends. If my dh had of had this attitude towards my son, I would have been devastated. Who gives a rat's arse if she is taller than you.
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Thu Oct 18, 2012 6:59 am

I wasn't going to comment but....

She is being 'forced' onto your side if the bridal party? She is your FH's daughter, why is this even an issue? If he would like her in the bridal party then i think she should be asked. We are not talking about his sister, relative etc, it's his daughter.

I guess everyone has different priorities and personalities though. I am under no illusion that any of these comments will change your mind but you asked the original question.
(Btw, I do get the issues that you're mentioning and if you were talking about anyone else then i would say the choice is up to you. But its his child.)
 
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Re: Am I being a Bridezilla about my FH's daughter?

Thu Oct 18, 2012 9:25 am

Thanks for your opinions everyone. I do appreciate it.
Again, it still sounds like some of you are under the impression I don't want her involved in the day at all. That's certainly not the case!!! If I wanted to marry someone with no kids, I would have left a long time ago!

I've had a talk with my FH about it. He does agree that 15 is too old to be a flower girl but said he hadnt thought of her doing anything else. I have realised that even though I'd prefer our wedding to be "normal" (ie ring bearer and flower girl to be young kids, or none) we're not a "normal" couple. The big day will be a relitively informal occasion and I will admit that some of my reasons are petty. (ie her being taller than me)

I'm thinking 6 months out from the day we'll ask her if she wants to be the flower girl, make a speech, do a sand ceremony etc etc and leave the choice up to her as to how much involvement she wants to have in the ceremony.

At the moment I am against having her as a junior bridesmaid on my side, not because I am against her, but because I don't have any family, its always been just me and the 2 girls standing up with me. I DO want my future step daughter to be involved in the wedding and DON'T want her to feel that she isn't welcome etc, hense why she'll be invited to get ready with me and the girls the morning of etc.

I think if she was to be a junior bridesmaid, it'd be better if she stood on her father's side, but who's to say my opinion won't change in 18 months.

She was a little bit involved in my FHs brother's wedding and throughout the day and in all professional and happy snap photos, she was so grumpy, had her arms crossed and wouldn't smile, so I really don't want her to be grumpy at our wedding.
The only way I think we'll be able to avoid that is give her the choice of being a jnr bridesmaid on my side or his side, flower girl, make a speech, be apart of a sand ceremony and anything else we can think of and let her choose. Her being happy for the day and smiling in the photos is more important to me than who's doing what job.
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