A Community for Brides Planning their Wedding in Australia

 
MrsPtoB
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offending sister with a bridesmaid....

Wed Mar 13, 2013 1:13 pm

when i was first engaged, i knew exactly who i wanted to ask to be my BM's and asked straight away.
one of these girls is a wonderful friend, BUT she is also the partner of my sisters ex. my sister and this man have two children together, and then broke up, he got with my friend L and they now have a child.
it's been 7 years, and my sister still has a massive issue with them, she won't talk to my friend still and it's just generally really yucky between them all. it's not a nice situation, but i don't take sides, as i'm really really good friends with them both, and also one part is my sister! this particular couple are also my daughters god parents. so we are all very close, just not my sister and her ex and especially his partner L [my bm]. i hope this all makes sense! it's a bit confusing!

anyway, i have been thinking on this lately, i am not really that close to my siser so none of this crossed my mind as an issue to begin with. but i have given her a save the date card, and have since been talking little bits of wedding stuff with her and been a little closer and now i'm starting to get worried. i am certain that if she knew L was a BM she probably wouldn't come. and i can also imagine if she came to the wedding and saw she was a BM she would walk out. if they were just guests at the wedding, i think she would just put up with it and still come to the wedding as i'm her sister, she'd probably leave for the reception but stay for the ceremony. or just ignore them during the reception. which is fine with me!
my friend is really understanding and i know sh would not be offended at all if i chose to not have her as a BM, she even brought it up with me. so this is an ok option, but i really love her and would love her to be there for me. i would still have her get ready with us on the day and she knows that i want her. but perhaps for my sister's sake i need to change it?

i know it's my wedding, but this would probably be really hard for my sister. and it's not going to offend L if i 'demoted' her from bridesmaid.
so i need some advice, what is the right ettiquette, what would you do??
 
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stormageddon
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Re: offending sister with a bridesmaid....

Wed Mar 13, 2013 2:17 pm

As you said it is YOUR wedding so you should do what you want but my opinion is to demote your friend as BM, she has already offered and by doing this you will save stress on your day and possible drama

Just because your friend is not a BM does not mean that she cannot come dress shopping with you and be there every part of the way :)
 
MrsPtoB
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Re: offending sister with a bridesmaid....

Wed Mar 13, 2013 11:54 pm

yes i would still ask her to come every where i would have and be in some photo's too. i am leaning more to this way, i just do feel awful about it all.
 
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KG'sGirl
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Re: offending sister with a bridesmaid....

Thu Mar 14, 2013 9:32 am

On your wedding day you want to surround yourself with those who you love the most - if that is your friend L then go for it. Your not proposing to cut your sister out, but you have got every right to have your friend as your BM. It sounds a little like your sister is holding onto the past - after 7 years she should have moved on, but not everyone does that well.

I dont think your being horrible at all - if your sister is going to throw a hissy fit over it then let her! Give her plenty of time to process it and get over it before the big day. Don't change your wedding day for her sister - she will have her own day (potentially) to do what she likes.
 
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Teska
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Re: offending sister with a bridesmaid....

Thu Mar 14, 2013 9:42 am

I think what it comes down to is gut instinct. I ignored mine and ended up having to ask a bridesmaid to step down in favour of the person I originally wanted. You said you instantly knew who you wanted to pick - go with it I say!

You're not that close to your sister, I understand that it's hard for her but your sister will have family and presumably family friends there to be with, it's only a few hours and it's not like she HAS to speak to any of the bridesmaids. Getting ready could be awkward but you could always just have pics with parents at your house and then family pics at the ceremony.
 
seaweed
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Re: offending sister with a bridesmaid....

Mon Mar 18, 2013 3:49 am

It's hard to decide isn't it? I think that as you are closer to your friend, I would still have her as BM. But I would warn sister this was the case. Don't let her turn up on the day and have to face this. Tell her that you understand how she feels, but she must know how close to your friend that you are. Make her aware of how much you value her as well, and also express what a difficult situation you are in trying to please everyone. See how she goes with it, don't make any decisions till then. I am sure that your heart will tell you how to react.
 
MrsPtoB
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Re: offending sister with a bridesmaid....

Mon Mar 18, 2013 8:39 pm

i know that she wont deal with it well. if i did decide to have L as a bm i would tell my sister it was happening, knowing that she would be very hurt and not turn up to the wedding. i would be 99% sure that's what would happen. yea, it's been a really long time and she should let it go, but it's not gotten any better in that time so i don't think it will ever be better for her. she's not going to le tit go!
i am actually thinking of saying to L i still want you there getting ready with us on the day and all that stuff, but to not stand up with me in front of everyone. unless my sister RSVP's as not coming, which is entirely possible if she decideds she doesn't want to see them there, in which case i would have L up there with us.
my sister has no mutual friends, in fact i'm sure she has no one she talks to as a friend, so she wouldn't ever know.
i know it's my day, and i'm closer to L than my sister, but i'm really worried she will be hurt. it's such a complicated situation!
 
daydreambeliever
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Re: offending sister with a bridesmaid....

Tue Jul 02, 2013 4:51 pm

Family come first. There is no way I would want my sister to feel at all upset on my wedding day.
As your friend already suggested it, she may feel the same.
Good luck!
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