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bec31
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......

Thu Nov 22, 2012 10:16 am

Hi ladies,

So far this year we have been to 2 weddings where we were required to pay for our own meals. Instead of receiving a wishing well card with the invite, we received a small card stating that meals had to be paid by us upon RSVP and with bank details to deposit the money into.

The first wedding was around $70.00 per person and i thought it was a little exy when you are paying for a couple, however we were given plenty of notice.
Second wedding was slighty under $40.00 per person and thought that was a great price.

So, now that i am getting married, we are asking our guests to do the same. But i feel uncomfortable that we are asking $65.00 per person (buffet).

I have tried everything i can to see if i can slighty cut the cost per person by paying something myself, but we are on a budget and even just paying $5.00 towards each person (so their cost will only be $60.00 and may look more appealing) it puts us out of pocket by several hundred and we cannot afford to do more than we can. I will send out invites much earlier to give people time to save if they need too.

I'm afraid that people are going to think that it's rude to ask for $65.00 to pay for their own meals and this may turn people off by wanting to come to the wedding.

We are not asking for gifts, or a wishing well.

What are you thoughts and opinions on this ladies?..
Last edited by bec31 on Sun Nov 25, 2012 7:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
 
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L.I.W
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 10:50 am

This topic has come up a few times - generally the thought is this is a big no no. Personally, I hate the idea. As a bride and groom, yes most people will get a gift, but assuming that and then dictating the meal amount to me is, well a little off. As a guest at a wedding yes I expect to be fed and watered, and in return I will give you a lovely gift and card. I want to choose my gift, I don't want to be essentially charged admission. I am quite passionate about this subject by the way...

Anyway here is one topic where it has come up before, I was the second poster and I linked to three more topics....
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 11:24 am

wow I cannot believe you have been to 2 weddings already that did this, I actually find it quite rude, a wedding is a celebration provided by the bride and groom for their guests I do not believe a guest should pay for their meal,
 
bec31
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 11:50 am

After reading the other threads ( thank you L I W for posting the links up) i would rather not ask for peoples thoughts on this subject due to the upsetting posts that were wrote on the threads. Last thing i want is to feel like i am being attacked for asking my guests to contribute to their meals, rather than gifts or gifts of money in a wishing well.

I do see alot of pros and cons about asking for people to pay for their meals and thats why i feel uneasy about it, but unlike most people, we are paying for this wedding on our own. No family help and no bank loans. We have 3 children and our wedding will only consist of around 50 people or less anyway. Those closest to us will not think twice about paying, it's those friends and family members that we don't see very much of that will have the good ole' ***** about it.
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 12:16 pm

bec31 wrote:
After reading the other threads ( thank you L I W for posting the links up) i would rather not ask for peoples thoughts on this subject due to the upsetting posts that were wrote on the threads. Last thing i want is to feel like i am being attacked for asking my guests to contribute to their meals, rather than gifts or gifts of money in a wishing well.

I do see alot of pros and cons about asking for people to pay for their meals and thats why i feel uneasy about it, but unlike most people, we are paying for this wedding on our own. No family help and no bank loans. We have 3 children and our wedding will only consist of around 50 people or less anyway. Those closest to us will not think twice about paying, it's those friends and family members that we don't see very much of that will have the good ole' ***** about it.



I would hope no one would reply with anything upsetting, we will all have our own views on weddings and some things we may feel strongly about but at the end of the day its your wedding and you will decide what is best for you.
Perhaps instead of directly asking for guests to pay for their meal you could set up an online wedding fund/registry? this way guests can deposit directly to you with an amount they can afford? some may not be able to afford the $65 for their meal but other guests you will find will be really generous.

there are a few companies set up for this and you can access the money before the wedding and use it for what ever you want :)

our wishing well
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 3:41 pm

Quite frankly, I feel that you are overreacting. Why ask for opinions if you can't handle it? Posters are only being honest, and feeling attacked when that happens is a bit juvenile IMHO. So I think that you are correct, don't ask for our opinions if you think that someone will disagree with you.
 
bec31
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 4:08 pm

Thank you seaweed for your opinion, but as i previously stated, that i no longer wanted the opinions ABOUT THIS TOPIC anymore DUE to what i had read on the other threads regarding the SAME question. It was clear to me when reading those threads that most people on here have strong opinions that guests should not pay, so i got all my answers there about what people thought of the idea.

I was not trying to be rude by saying that i no longer wanted peoples opinions, or am i over reacting (in your opinion) - as i said - i got all my answers from another thread .... and YES, i wanted to avoid being attacked, not because i can't handle it .... i just didn't want to "go there".

But thank you for giving me YOUR opinion
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 5:57 pm

Keeping on topic... (even though the OP has asked for no further comments, I feel that this is probably a good place to put more opinions seeing as other threads are older).

FH and I are starting to think that this would be a really good way to have all the people we love there, but to cut costs a little. Because we're having a BBQ reception, we're thinking about asking people to BYO meat, either that or contribute $7 each towards the BBQ.
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 6:40 pm

Hrmm. I have to share what my SIL did to get around the issue of not being able to afford to pay for a meal for everyone. She had an afternoon wedding followed by afternoon tea buffet (sandwiches, tea, coffee, wedding cake). All that was listed on the invitation card. Separate to this, her parents said they'd organise a group booking for dinner at the local club afterwards for all those who wanted to join in, and invited people by phone. About 40 of the 60 guests came to the dinner (the rest had to leave as they had a long way to travel home), we all paid our own way, and it was such a large group that the club even threw in a private function room and antipasto platters for free.

I thought that was quite a classy way to go about doing it as it didn't oblige anyone to pay for dinner if they did not want to. And the afternoon tea following the ceremony was fairly inexpensive and pretty good fun.
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 6:51 pm

You know what Bec31, in your situation I think there's no problem at all with it.

The people you're inviting are your closest family and friends - really 50 people isn't many so they really would be your most favourite people. And they're your most favourite people because you love them and they love you! So don't feel bad about your decisions, I have no doubt they already know and understand your situation, and if you mention it in conversation it will give notice before they get their invitations.

:) Be happy and enjoy your planning the party of your life because I have no doubt that all your guests will absolutely love it and won't have any problems at all paying for their meal!
 
bec31
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 7:50 pm

Thank you so much flowerpower, Gdemon and 2bwed :)

A BBQ would be a great idea and it was one of my first options considering we (well, me) wants to keep things on a small budget (around $5000'ish). But FH wants it to be a night where i don't have to worry about a thing.
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 8:01 pm

I really really don't think anyone should have a reception they can't pay for. Sausages don't cost much to BBQ and if affording sausages means delaying for a few months, I think you should do it.

I love the afternoon tea idea.
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Thu Nov 22, 2012 8:48 pm

I have been to a few wedding that have had this request and personally its not an issue for me, I dont feel offended by it (I find it harder dealing with a wishing well and expected amounts).

my first wedding we had a bbq lunch that we catered for ourselves (on a very strict budget) and yes it was alot of hard work making sure everything was done and you dont get to really relax so I see where your FH is coming from

this wedding our guests are flying in from interstate, so we are paying for their lunch (we are having a morning wedding), have got a price from the hotel of most expensive thing on the menu and basically catering to that price per adult, there will be a maximum of 25-30 people including us and 7 of those are kids so the meals are a cheaper price.

we have capped the guest at 30, as thats that people who have said they will come as soon as we announced our wedding date, any more than that amount (and got a feeling there will be a few people who will think about coming a bit later on) then we have said that they will pay for their own lunch, as we have a set amount allowed for it.

as our guests are coming over from wa we are not having a honeymoon and instead will be spending time with them showing them around so we want to make sure we have enough money to cover that too.

because we are having a lunch reception, and guests will be driving we will supply cool drink and juice only, if they want alcohol they have all agreed to buy it themselves.

good luck with everything and as I said personally I dont have an issue with that request :)
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Fri Nov 23, 2012 1:14 am

You know, I wasn't against asking guests to pay for their meal. I think that it is acceptable in lieu of presents or money (wishing well), I know that this idea is against the grain but I would be OK with it. The afternoon tea sounds absolutely fabulous and the idea of going somewhere for dinner with those who wanted to come. And then your fh would get his wish, you wouldn't have to worry about anything (that is sweet of him). Thank you for being so polite, I get a bit carried away sometimes.
 
bec31
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Fri Nov 23, 2012 10:28 am

Thank you ladies for your responses. I know that everyone will have different opinions about this and i'm certainly not going to please everyone by asking them to pay.
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Fri Nov 23, 2012 2:07 pm

Personally I wouldn't ask people to pay...However I don't really see the issue in it. How is it really that much different then a wishing well? Most people I know will always put the amount they think it would go cost for the meal in the wishing well and then some. I have also been to a registry wedding where the cheapest thing was $400. To me that is more rude.

There will always be complainers at a wedding, you will never please everyone. Remember it is your day not theirs. :D
 
bec31
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Fri Nov 23, 2012 2:15 pm

Thank you miss Em! and OMG $400 was the cost of the cheapest present ... NOW that is rude!
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Fri Nov 23, 2012 5:47 pm

Bec, we're having a BBQ and the only thing that we'll be worrying about in the days before is baking, putting together platters, and picking up the sausages! We've 'hired' FHs brother and his BIL to be in charge of the cooking of the BBQ. We're looking at about $35 a head if you include all the alcohol, other drinks, antipasto platters, gourmet sausages (that we're having specially made), plus chicken/lamb skewers, salads, and all the desserts. We're paying about $1000 for a venue though (after staff is taken into account), but the venue has a BBQ, and will let us basically do anything we want including BYO food and alcohol and will be supplying tables, chairs, cutlery, plates and glasses. I know that there are some caterers that do sausage sizzles for about $12.50 - $15.00 a head, sometimes buffets/spitroasts are $25 a head. Have you looked at hiring your own venue and getting in caterers? I know parks can hire out areas for fairly cheap (the most expensive I've seen is Fitzroy Park in Melbourne which is $500 for a reserved spot in the park, but we've looked at hiring a local park and it's $17), and you can get a liquor licence for about $50 (so that you can serve alcohol there). Then you can hire out a BBQ at $80, and then hire caterers to do a $30 a head food thing. I reckon asking your guests for $30 a head (or $35 a head even) is a lot nicer than asking for $65 a head. I know personally that if FH and I wanted to go to a friends wedding but they asked us for $65 a head, we would want to go but wouldn't be able to afford it at $130 for the both of us, and then a gift on top of that. $60 - 70 would be much more reasonable. I reckon you should think about the budget of your guests too.

Can you maybe post your budget up to see where else we can help you cut costs? That way maybe you can help pay for the food for the guests.

I understand being on a tight budget. Our budget is meant to be $5000... if FH had his way it'd be $7500!!!
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Fri Nov 23, 2012 7:10 pm

I had a chat to some girls at work today just to see their thoughts on it. If instead of a present you are asking if people would mind paying for the meal...if it is a fair price, why not?

Do you normally expect to go for a night and have a meal, drinks and dancing without paying?


Sorry I'm just curious why people are so anti it...
 
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Re: Guest paying for their own meals ... thoughts?

Fri Nov 23, 2012 7:58 pm

Miss Em wrote:
I had a chat to some girls at work today just to see their thoughts on it. If instead of a present you are asking if people would mind paying for the meal...if it is a fair price, why not?

Do you normally expect to go for a night and have a meal, drinks and dancing without paying?

Sorry I'm just curious why people are so anti it...


Because a gift shouldnt be expected. Nor, if one is being given, should the value be assumed. By asking people to pay for their meal in lieu of a gift, you are a: telling them they were going to bring a gift and b: the gift is x value which is now the cost of the meal.

A wedding is something the couple invite people to attend. If a friend invites me to dinner at their place, I would not assume I need to bring my own food, so when invited to a wedding, its assumed I wouldnt be paying my own meal.

For what its worth, I did the "pay your own meal" at our Engagement Party and thinking back on it now, I'm rather embarressed I did that. People on this forum advised against it, and even though no of my guests complained or commented negatively (at least to my face, who knows if they commented to each other), I just think it was a bit presumptuous of me to lay that cost on my guests, even though I said no gifts.
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