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sharmy
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Why are his children getting under my skin?

Wed Jun 22, 2011 11:07 am

Hubby and I have always gotten on well with his children and i have accepted them into my home and our new family even though i have no children and now that we have gotten married the children use no manners, dont greet or say good bye to me and hubby thinks there is no problem it has really upset me these kids are 16 and 15 boys and i have taught them how to cook, learning to drivem helped them get a job and with their homework it hurts. Now their mum wants us to have her rules in my house and im dont agree. Yes i agree on them using their manners again etc but i dont want another woman telling me how to run my home. Am i being sensitive or is this a problem, i see the 16 is very close to his mum and seems to be the ring leader now and hubby thinks im picking on them but i think whoever it is they should be polite, greet people and pick up after themselves in anyones home that was the way i was bought up to be respectful and now i get none of it
 
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missEbali
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Wed Jun 22, 2011 11:36 am

No, I don't think you're being sensitive at all Sharmy. They need to respect you and use manners regardless that you are now married. I don't see why there should be another womans rules in your household, she doesn't live there so I think she has no right. I think it will be best to try to talk to hubby and let him know that it is upsetting you. Good Luck.
 
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soni@
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Wed Jun 22, 2011 12:01 pm

Sharmy...you're 100 % correct in saying that they should be using their manners/picking up after themselves etc...but, I also think given that they're teenage boys, perhaps one set of rules no matter where they go may be beneficial in setting them straight as they need consistency otherwise they become such smart a$$'s they will know who they can manipulate and who they cant (I've got 2 younger teenage brothers who do this because there always seem to be a different set of rules with each of my parents!)..I personally wouldn't go as far as to say their mum is "running your home" by suggesting the kids go by her rules..perhaps sit down with your hubby and his ex to work out some strategies together..
 
sidonie
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:25 pm

Sharmy...you're 100 % correct in saying that they should be using their manners/picking up after themselves etc...but, I also think given that they're teenage boys, perhaps one set of rules no matter where they go may be beneficial in setting them straight as they need consistency otherwise they become such smart a$$'s they will know who they can manipulate and who they cant (I've got 2 younger teenage brothers who do this because there always seem to be a different set of rules with each of my parents!)..I personally wouldn't go as far as to say their mum is "running your home" by suggesting the kids go by her rules..perhaps sit down with your hubby and his ex to work out some strategies together..


/This
 
stefania
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:37 pm

I agree that everyone should use manners and pick up after themselves, it is just common courtesy.

I don't think that their Mum should be able to dictate what the rules in your house should be, but would it be possible to sit down with their Mum, your DH & yourself and set some common rules between you?
 
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a.celebrant
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Wed Jun 22, 2011 11:53 pm

I have a blended family 4 of hers, two of mine and 2 of ours. Thankfully the youngest is now 27 and we survived the challenges you are facing. It can be really hard, and I wish you the very best is resolving it all. I have a copy of a DVD and booklet that addresses challenges in an instant family. It was a government initiative a few years ago. If you PM me your address, I'll mail one off to you.It's called "Instant Families - Building a Stronger, Healthier Relationship." :)
 
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nic0985
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Fri Jun 24, 2011 11:04 am

Teenage boys are like that for some reason - its like a switch gets flipped, and suddenly and semblance of manners goes out the window! I havent worked this one out yet... I if ever do, ill be happy to share my findings though.

Regarding their bio-mum, what are the rules she wants to be upheld? Are they unreasonable? Of course you dont want her laying down the laws in your home, but theyre her kids too - if shes being reasonable, maybe sit down and have a chat with her? Get everything out in the open.

With regards to your hubs, get down to the nitty gritty conflict resolution stuff between you both. Chat without being negative or accusatory with each other - youll probably find you arent actually at odds on your perceptions of whats going on at all. Its hard because emotions do get involved, but toally worth it.

Good luck :heart:
 
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sharmy
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Fri Jun 24, 2011 11:34 am

Its tough when their mother says that we are to have guests leave our place at 8pm whent he children are there so they can get settled. I was like are you kidding if we are having a bbq then we are only just eating then (of course children have) but they are 15, 14 and 10. And they dont normally go to sleep at their own house until 11pm each night thats because there mother isnt home or they just do what they want until she comes home. We dont party or anything we have friends over to watch footy on Friday night its one other couple they go home after the game because we both work saturdays also and then if we have friends for a bbq on a Saturday night then as long as we have no music blaring which wont happen because i cant keep my eyes open after 11 myself then how can she tell me when i have people over and when they should go home, what time i should have them eat their breakfast and not to light my slow combustion fire because of smoke then i have said i cant sit down and talk with a woman who is that unreasonable and to be honest she cant set these rules one in my house and and two when she never home when we drop them off or have to go drop off later because we dont want them home late at night alone cause she is at the pub. Now his children are starting to play it with no respect or manners. Doing my head in - thanks for my vent :)
 
tarwon
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Mon Jun 27, 2011 9:48 pm

The teenage years are hard. Give it a year or two and I'm sure that side of it will sort itself out.
With the other things - your hubby needs to set ground rules with his ex. I don't think you should be the one battling it out with her. It sounds like she's just trying to cause trouble.
 
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sharmy
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:41 am

Thanks Tarwon :) i wont battle it with her these are my feelings i haven't spoken to her its not my need to its his. Thanks
 
Ayla01
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Fri Jul 22, 2011 12:41 am

Are there court orders in place?? if there are, then run your house any damn way you want too. As long as the kids are not exposed to excessive drinking and etc at your BBQ's, there is no reason for her to have a go at you.

Does she have a history of being unreasonable. is it possible that some of these things may be being asked on behalf of the kids. If you and your husband are only having them for limited times, and you're having people over every friday night and saturday bbq's on a regular basis when they're there, and I was your kid...i'd be pretty peeved. and i'd sure as anything be getting my mum to have a go at my dad cause there is no way i could ever tell him that.

As for the manners thing...its not because your their step-mum, its not because they're not disciplined at home etc etc...its because they're teenage boys. Fight the battles worth fighting, and suck it up for the rest. But you are right definately with one thing, if there is a problem, this is a conversation your husband needs to have with the Ex, not you.
 
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sharmy
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Mon Jul 25, 2011 12:08 pm

I put it down to an unreasonable person thats all. I would be lucky to have people over for a bbq once a month if that and maybe even once every 3 months it could bt a Friday or a Saturday never both and certaintly not every time the kids are there we work 6 days a week and cant have the luxury of a life like that due to our work commitments. I thinky our right she is unreasonable but like i said before this is coming from a mother who isnt home at 9 pm on a school night cause she is at the pub with however or playing the pokies.
 
Bec*
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Thu Jul 28, 2011 4:02 pm

I really feel for you, taking on someone else's children is a big responsibility, don't know how I would cope with it myself.

Basically, your house, your rules. Un;ess you are mistreating this kids (which clearly you aren't), then you and your husband are entitled to run your household however you see fit. And even if you had bbqs every weekend, it's not really anyone else's business. Their motehr certainly has no business telling you what time your guests can leave. You're grown adults, and can do whatever you like.

You need to get your husband on side though, because as the biological parent, he should be primariy responsible for the parenting. He needs to lay down the law, and make it clear about what is acceptable in your house.

Try not to let this cause a wedge between you and your husband. This is most probably just a difficult stage which I'm sure you'll get through with a bit of patience and perseverance.

Good luck!
 
Trisha
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Re: Why are his children getting under my skin?

Thu Jul 28, 2011 5:53 pm

As a mother to 2 teenage boys (17 and 19) I can tell you that the behaviour you are seeing is totally normal! I'd be shocked if you didn't see it to be honest!!

My boys can come in and out the house, eat their meals etc and some days I hardly get 5 words out of them. It's not because they don't have manners (that's the one thing my kids ARE good at) it's just because teenagers become unsociable with their parents :)

No their mother doesn't have the right to call the shots on what time you visitors etc leave esp as the boys are a bit older. I'd understand if you were having p!ss ups and the boys were younger though.

I also have an ex and he has a wife now, so my boys have the step mother. She was a right cow to them growing up, so harsh to them all the time, to the point that it damaged their relationship with their dad. They no longer wanted to go and see him. Funny thing is, her children that she has with him now are little mongrels and run riot, she has no control over them at all!

Anyways, what I am saying is try not to take it too much to heart. It's not that they don't like or respect you. Treat them as people and respect that they have times they don't want to talk also. Be there and open when they do want to talk and they will come around.

Good luck!!
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