A Community for Brides Planning their Wedding in Australia

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Darens Girl

Re: Got any jokes?

Tue Jul 27, 2010 3:35 pm

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Darens Girl

Deleted

Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:03 am

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Last edited by Darens Girl on Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
 
drinkyoupretty
little red dot in oz
little red dot in oz
Posts: 10969
Joined: Sun May 31, 2009 6:18 pm

Re: Got any jokes?

Tue Aug 03, 2010 3:56 pm

Oldie but a goodie:

To all non-pet owners who visit & like to complain about our pets:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) We like our pets a lot better than we like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To us, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less and eat anything,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke, drink or take drugs,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions or gadgets,
(9) don't need a million dollars for college/varsity and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ....
 
Darens Girl

Re: Got any jokes?

Tue Aug 03, 2010 7:48 pm

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chellebelle
♥ baby on board! ♥
♥ baby on board! ♥
Posts: 7610
Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 10:47 pm

Re: Got any jokes?

Thu Aug 05, 2010 9:37 pm

Q. What happens when two snails get into a fight?

A. They slug it out!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Darens Girl

Got any jokes?

Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:13 am

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Darens Girl

Re: Got any jokes?

Tue Oct 05, 2010 2:41 pm

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Darens Girl

Deleted

Fri Oct 15, 2010 9:09 am

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Darens Girl

Re: Got any jokes?

Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:05 am

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Darens Girl

Deleted

Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:48 am

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Autumn2010
Tiger Princess
Tiger Princess
Posts: 4901
Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:11 am

Re: Got any jokes?

Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:37 pm

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”.
 
Autumn2010
Tiger Princess
Tiger Princess
Posts: 4901
Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:11 am

Re: Got any jokes?

Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:38 pm

WOMEN:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
MEN:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
Man 1 : cool.
 
Autumn2010
Tiger Princess
Tiger Princess
Posts: 4901
Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:11 am

Re: Got any jokes?

Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:39 pm

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.
As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said Hillary, pointing behind St. Peter, “Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s my clock?”
“Over there,” St. Peter said, pointing. “As you can see, the hands on your clock have moved quite a bit. But don’t worry, we grade on a curve up here, and–considering you were both a lawyer and a politician–we didn’t expect much.”
Hillary looked around and then asked, “Where’s Bill’s clock?”
“Bill’s clock is in my office. I’m using it as a ceiling fan.”
 
Autumn2010
Tiger Princess
Tiger Princess
Posts: 4901
Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:11 am

Re: Got any jokes?

Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:40 pm

10 Commandments for working hard
1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there - it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
 
Autumn2010
Tiger Princess
Tiger Princess
Posts: 4901
Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:11 am

Re: Got any jokes?

Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:41 pm

Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
“How’d you die?” the first woman asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first woman. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second woman. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes, but eventually,it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kinda drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you,how did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first woman. “You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second woman shakes her head. “That’s so ironic,” she says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first woman.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
 
Autumn2010
Tiger Princess
Tiger Princess
Posts: 4901
Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:11 am

Re: Got any jokes?

Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:43 pm

There once was a man who always had this fear that someone was hiding under his bed.

So he decided one day to go and see a Psychiatrist about it

He told the psychiatrist that he is scared that there is someone under his bed and that he can’t sleep and thinks he’s going crazy.

The psychiatrist responded 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,'

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met him on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money, and with that I went and bought me a new car.

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude she said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now! '
 
Darens Girl

Re: Got any jokes?

Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:49 pm

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Last edited by Darens Girl on Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
 
Darens Girl

Re: Got any jokes?

Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:51 pm

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Last edited by Darens Girl on Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
 
Darens Girl

Deleted

Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:32 pm

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Last edited by Darens Girl on Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
 
In_Style_2010
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 11:10 am

Re: Got any jokes?

Fri Nov 05, 2010 11:29 am

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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